It’s August

Summers in Maine are short. This year we’ve been blessed with heat, humidity, evening thunderstorms, sunshine, bugs… Everything you need to call these three fleeting months summer. And here we are — it’s August. There are back-to-school ads everywhere. Tomatoes are ripening. Blueberries are ready for picking. Soon, it will all be over.

But before that, we head off to Hungary in two weeks. Yay! Yay? Yay.

I am excited about our trip this year because I know that it will make a HUGE difference in Sam’s language development. HUGE. Last year he wasn’t really speaking and still picked up so many words. Now that he talks non-stop, I can only imagine the huge leaps and bounds he’ll make. I can’t wait to witness all of it. And selfishly, I am looking forward to having him all to myself for a little bit. We’ll miss Drew, but it will be nice to have some mother-son bonding time. Bliss.

And I am NOT excited about our trip because I feel like if it weren’t for Sam, I probably wouldn’t be going. Sure, it will be great to see great-grandma, but other than that… I don’t know. I feel like the longer my parents have lived in the States, the more distant their friendships are getting as well and pretty soon there won’t be too much there to go back to. And that’s fine and normal, but still… Easy, it is not. I told my Dad the other day that once you get to a point when there’s nobody waiting for you when you arrive at the airport, then you are really just a visitor passing through. And that’s OK when you go to London, or Paris, or Barcelona where you don’t expect to know anyone. But it’s not OK when you go to the city where you were born and raised.

Also, this August 20th marks a tipping point for me — on that day I will have lived in the US as long as I have lived in Hungary. I have to sit with that thought a bit.

Eighteen years.

I guess I feel OK about all of this, but lately I’ve been thinking that I feel just OK about most things in my life. True — Sam I feel ecstatic about. Everything else — meh. Marriage, house, job… all of it just meh. Is that enough? Does everyone feel that way about most things in life? Just kinda getting through it, enjoying quick moments and then back to meh? What are the other choices? Running away and starting over in some other place is probably not really done at my age and what’s the guarantee that will not lead back to meh after a few months or years? There are really no guarantees.

I have this secret fantasy — OK, not so secret anymore — that the day Sam takes off for college I am going to move to Budapest. I have never been a grown-up there and I bet that life as an adult with money is very different than life as a poor student living at home. I wouldn’t mind trying. I want to be alone for a little bit. I think that’s a huge part of it — just to be alone. I love being on the go and being with Sam right now. I want to enjoy it — all of it — and then I want to move to Budapest and enjoy that. But who knows what life will bring?

Right now life is bringing me lots of fun in the form of a toddler. I mean, he is just the best little boy in the world. Funny. Sweet. Polite. Soft. Cuddly. All of the good things in life. He is so independent and smart and strong-willed. And of course, frustrating and exhausting too, but that’s all forgiven at the end of the day. His mix of English and Hungarian are just precious — I almost wish his Hungarian would never get perfect so that he could hold on to his little “mistakes.” “I don’t have csuklas.” “Where are my jatekoksz?” ” Where am I going to alsz?” On and on and on…

Well, enough gushing.

That’s diver Sam with his goggles and diver watch (thank you, Swatch collection!). There’s also worker Sam, who builds power lines “just like Dada!” And there’s firefighter Sam, farmer Sam, pirate Sam… So many Sams to keep track of on any give day and in any given hour.


6 thoughts on “It’s August

  1. I understand your feelings of “meh” – but I’ve come to learn to get excited about the silliest and dullest stuff (someone else cooked! paperwork cleared!) helps me break the “mehs.” Isn’t it fun to race around with a toddler? Your son is precious!

  2. I’m glad you wrote today. Thanks for sharing it and making me pause and think about little moments & big dreams. So glad to see a recent photo of Sam. Love it!

  3. Your writing gave me much to think about. Life is a whirlwind and at times nothing particularly great, but having a toddler certainly adds to the greatness, but also the reminder that things are always in a flux.

  4. Maybe most things seem ‘meh’ because standing next to the miracle of a child of your heart, everything pales. I think it’s nature’s way of making sure that we moms have a singlemindedness that protects and nurtures our babies….that’s what we’re all about when they are small….as it should be. Also, as one whose babies have grown and flown…I can tell you that this time is awesome too!

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