Four weeks in three-hour increments

Sam was born four weeks ago today. In some ways it feels like it happened yesterday (especially when I think about my lingering aches and pains!), but in others it feels like he’s been with us forever. I am sitting here in our living room, listening to him snore (and I admit, fart), and watching his little hands flail in his dream, and I can’t remember what it was like when his little noises didn’t fill the house.

On a side note: What do babies dream about? Sam definitely looks like he is dreaming a lot – but it can’t be about work, or relationships, or back to school… So what is he dreaming about???

He is still a quiet, peaceful baby, and I feel so peaceful around him, even when he is having a rare meltdown. His little facial expressions just make me laugh – he has his disapproving look, his “who the hell are you and what are you doing to me” look, his give me food look… I know it’s all just reflexes, but it’s hard not to imagine that they are real expressions of real thoughts and feelings. And we already determined that he is going to be an orchestra conductor because his long fingers are so expressive and he likes to flail and twist and wave his hands around all the time.

I’ve been home alone with him for the past two weeks and I would lie if I said that it hasn’t been hard. I feel like I am just now emerging from the disbelief I felt about having him. The first two or three weeks have been rough – especially in the evenings for some reason. I was always weepy and just looking at him as he ate at 3 a.m. was enough to make me burst into tears. But that seems to be over now – hopefully a sign of my hormones quieting down. My body feels like it’s getting back to normal too – although this is definitely going to be a new kind of normal. I’ve always been chubby and squishy, but now I am squishy in a whole new way. My belly is like a soft, wrinkled nest or some sort. Very strange.

But I also keep thinking about how amazing it is that not only did my body give birth to this amazing baby, but now it’s also capable of bringing so much comfort to his little human. It is obvious that he recognizes me and calms down when he can nuzzle his head in my neck. For the past two afternoons we napped together on the couch – his warm little body on my chest with his tiny hand on my neck.

He breaks my heart.

This week I managed to make it out of the house with him – once to Panera to meet with Girl Chris and Ruby, and once to the newspaper office to pick up copies of the issue with his birth announcement. He slept through both trips – a good sign since Drew and I take a lot of road trips and having a baby who likes to hang out in the car seat is a definite plus! I am hoping for a mild February so that I can get out more with Sam – it’s not good for either of us to be house-bound.

So, life’s been good. I am one very lucky mama.


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