Better luck next time

The IUI didn’t work this time around. It’s a bummer, but it’s not unexpected. The doctor said that there is only a 20% chance any given month… I’d like to think of it more like a 50% chance – it will either work or it won’t – but this month it didn’t.

I wasn’t quite sure last night, so I took a pregnancy test. I got a digital one, because the little pink and blue lines/plus-minus signs can be ambiguous at best. So Drew and I stared at the thing in the bathroom, watching the little hourglass blink as the test was “thinking.” Then suddenly, the result: Not Pregnant.

“Wow,” said Drew. “That’s a little too blunt.” I had to laugh. I guess a lot of people are happy to see that they are not pregnant and would feel relief, or find the finality of Pregnant just as rude as we found Not Pregnant. But there was something to what Drew said. The test was so cold, so clinical, so unfeeling. No “better luck next time,” or “try again,” or “oops.” No humanity.

On the same day, I found out that my childhood friend from Budapest lost her baby. She was 7 or 8 weeks along… I guess it was a “no baby” day all around. Her situation made me think of all the stuff that may still wait for us down the road — good and bad. Well, honestly, I can’t even comprehend all of it, but I am getting vague glimpses of the highs, lows, the madness, the hope, the giddiness, the disappointment… It is like a rollercoaster and I am just trying to hold on tight, close my eyes, and scream through the scary parts.

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